Sunday, February 24, 2013

Letter of Love to Victoria Secret

Dear Victoria Secret,

Thank you for your kind consideration of finally opening a store in Vancouver, Canada. This saves me considerable trouble of going south to the United States to obtain proper support for my twins.

However, I did want to let you know that my wallet broke down sobbing and my credit card simply sighed in resignation when they heard the news. But do not fear for my boobs' and back's shouts of joy triumphed over their wails of misery.

Thank you again.

Sincerely with all my love,

Acexpression

P.S. If you are ever in need of a busty Asian model to test any of your new bra designs, then please do not hesitate to contact me.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Taipei 101

View of Taipei 101 from the apartment:

Taipei 101 in the morning


Taipei 101 in the evening

<3 So pretty :)

Friday, February 15, 2013

Chinese New Year 2013 (Belated)

Chinese New Year is one of those holidays where I think I have enough time to do stuff (like write a blog post), but I really don't. I did not receive any red pocket money because I'm too "old" for it.
 
-_-"
 
Seriously?
 
Anyway, the food was great as per usual.
 
Food level: Epic.
This doesn't seem like much, but you should have seen the other table and the kitchen island.

Happy (belated) Chinese New Year!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Shit Chinese People Eat: Fallopian Tubes

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.
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Remember how I told you that Taiwan isn't Jew-friendly when it comes to food? Well, it's because we shit like this:

What in the nine hells is that thing?! The fallopian tubes of a sow and the necks of geese.

While we were about to finish our meal at a local eatery, one of the cooks/servers brought out from the back this tub of off-white coloured mass of shit, and oh, so casually plopped it down on the table next us. I thought they were a tub of pig intestines; however, I know that intestines are just one long tube of fat and don't actually retain a coiled shape outside of the body. Intrigued, I asked my mom what it was. She didn't know so she asked the server. Then the server told us in Mandarin what they were.

My Mandarin is quite bad so I didn't understand what the server had said and my mom kindly explained in simple Mandarin terms that they were the tube that baby eggs travelled in from the ovaries to the uterus. The English phrase sprang to mind (fallopian tube) and I Googled it to make sure I got it right.

I couldn't keep the manic glee of discovering some new thing that shouldn't-be-food-but-oh-my-god-it-is off of my face and my mom ordered a plate for me. I looked pointedly at our bowls of noodles, and the two large plates of veggies and goose meat.

"We're never going to finish this, nevermind the extra plate," I told her.

She said, "That's okay, we'll just get the rest packed up to go." She grinned, "I want to try the dish too."

I grinned back.

I know it's only February, but hand the woman The Best Mom of the Year Award already (just like every year before, pshaw). I've always wondered where I got my streak of adventurous eating from and now I know.

When the dish arrived, it looked like this:

Yes, it's edible. Fallopian tubes are fucking delicious actually.

So damned pretty and fucking delicious. It was perfectly cooked, not too chewy and not too mushy. The texture is one-of-a-kind, somewhere between pig intestines and jellyfish; soft on the inside and crunchy on the outside. There was an underlying scent of pork, but it was clean and not as heavy as it would be in pig fat or intestines.

Is it nutritional? Maybe, but most likely not since all internal organs are high in cholestrol. In any case, fallopian tubes are now categorized under my list of yummy foods. You should definitely try it.

Monday, February 4, 2013

10 Things You Should Be Prepared For When Visiting Taiwan

Images are not mine
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WARNING: Wall of text imminent

10) The 13 hour flight from Vancouver with the first 3 hours or so filled with crying babies in the front, back and sides. (Freaking 13 hours!) At least it was a direct flight. Tip: say yes to the headphones; they should be free if you fly China Airlines.

Somebody create this game already.

9) Usually in more official public places, the toilets are the regular kind where you can sit down and go #1 or #2. However, the general stores and older buildings have the traditional slipper-shaped toilets where, if you are female, you have to crouch down to in an undignified position to pee. It's really just one step above a glorified hole in the ground due to its minimal plumbing.

8) Following the previous point, always carry a package of tissues because there are usually no toilet paper in those hole-in-the-ground stalls, nor sometimes in normal toilet stalls. Walking around town in damp underwear due to the fact that you didn't wipe feels damned uncomfortable. Trust me on that.

7) You will buy a lot of shit, so arrive with bare minimal luggage, or even empty suitcases if you can swing it. And because you will buy a lot of shit, memorize the exchange rate between your country's currency and that of the NT. ($1 CAD = $30 NT) Also know what's the maximum allowance of goods that you can bring back to your country. ($800 if it's 7 days or more for Canada).

6) Prepare to be gawked at when you walk down the street in t-shirt and sunglasses on a warm and sunny day during a Taiwanese winter. Excuse me if your high of 25C is the same temperature as a Vancouver summer. Note: Remember to layer your clothing and wear at least 30 SPF sunscreen on your face and body with PA++ if at all possible.

5) Cars have the right of way, not pedestrians so when the pedestrian light starts to flash the animation of a running man, do fucking run. For your life. Really, drivers have no compunctions about backing up over you to make sure that you're dead if they've already run over you. This is just so that you don't blab or worse, sue them. True story.

4) After a long hiatus, the NHL decides that hockey is back on again while you're on the other side of the globe with a spotty internet connection so that you can't catch any of the games. Seriously, not even the highlights. The fuckers.

For realz

3) For a city that's got over 4 times the population of Vancouver, the streets of Taipei are ridiculously clean and absent of litter. However, the streets either smell like sewage or motor oil at all times. The locals wear a face mask for a reason so "when in Rome."

2) You'll be sleep deprived as all hell because you stayed up well beyond your bedtime the night before your flight trying to fit all the crap you bought within the weight and luggage restrictions. It is truly a the most vicious and cruel game of Tetris that you'll ever play. Then when you're finally home and it's 4am, you still won't be able to sleep because you slept for a couple of hours on the plane so you'll be jet lagged and tired as fuck. Note to self: say no to taking any shifts for at least the next three days after you're back if you don't want to be a brainless zombie at work.

1) When it comes to food, Taiwan is a country that is really not at all Jew-friendly. Nor is it friendly for any other religion that has dietary meat restrictions. If you want to survive your stay in Taiwan, then don't ask what's in the dish, just close your eyes and put it in your mouth. It's a lot like a particular activity that I'm only going to hint at: You may enjoy it more than you thought you would.


TL; DR

You shall suffer a very horrible experience in Taiwan if you don't scroll back up and read it from the beginning.