Shit Chinese People Eat: Chicken Butt

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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I may not have sucked on any balls while I was in Taiwan, but I did eat a lot of ass.

On sticks, no less. They come deep fried, grilled, or marinated and are absolutely fucking delicious.

Yes, these little gems are made up of just skin, and fat, and bones; but be aware of the hollow shafts that lurk within. A hollow shaft (otherwise known as the calamus or the quill) is the very tip of a feather that is embedded inside the skin of a chicken. They are more commonly found in bigger butts because bigger butts have more feathers and so are more easily missed in the cleaning/plucking stage.

Just to be clear, hollow shafts are not edible -- at least, I don't think they are but I'm pretty sure I have swallowed some before. The happy news is that they won't kill you.

In any case, do enjoy this fatty, greasy, high calories, high cholesterol, heartburn and heart attack inducing snack!

Mmm, deep fried chicken butts on a stick.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Chicken Testicles

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Images are not mine
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I was originally not going to blog about chicken testicles since I was unable to find any in Taiwan. I am so disappointed that I'm going to call it the Great Chicken Testicle Shortage of 2013.

Seriously, where are all my balls at?

But this was too 'juicy' (literally) to not blog about, so I went and got these images off the internet:

Raw chicken testicles

And as you can see the average chicken testicle measures in at approximately an inch in length.

However, the bigger your cock, the bigger your balls (as seen above). The sexual reproduction system of a rooster is internal, so you have to cut it open in order to harvest its testicles.

Chicken testicles are definitely edible. It's tasteless on its own but tastes absolutely divine with garlic soy sauce and ginger. Be prepared for the instant burst of juice when you break the sac: you would expect the inside to harden once it's cooked, but the consistency is extremely watery. It's almost like having come in your mouth, in fact, that's probably where the term "busting a nut" came from.

Don't forget to swallow!

Grilled chicken testicles

You can cook them however you like, grilled (as shown above) or boiled. I wouldn't recommend skewering them, however, unless you want ball juice dribbling down your arm. They really are quite fragile.

I haven't had them for a while because they're filled with testosterone and a bunch of other hormones. I have to say, chicken testosterone does really funky things to my body, namely an increase in anger and aggressive behaviour, as well as a higher sex drive. The worse thing about them is that it thickens and blackens the hair all over my body.

Speaking of hair, there was a news story a few years back in Taiwan of a boy who every day had marinated chicken testicles as an after school snack. We're talking about a very young boy who at his age, would still be easily affected by what he eats. He had to start shaving when he turned 6.

So just as a health warning: don't eat too many chicken testicles because even though they are very much edible, they are still quite dangerous and can be harmful to the body.

My apologies for posting this a day late. What can I say? I got distracted by all the gay porn when I googled testicles. Now I'm going to have lunch. Have a nice day!

Shit Chinese People Eat: Fallopian Tubes

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Remember how I told you that Taiwan isn't Jew-friendly when it comes to food? Well, it's because we shit like this:

What in the nine hells is that thing?! The fallopian tubes of a sow and the necks of geese.

While we were about to finish our meal at a local eatery, one of the cooks/servers brought out from the back this tub of off-white coloured mass of shit, and oh, so casually plopped it down on the table next us. I thought they were a tub of pig intestines; however, I know that intestines are just one long tube of fat and don't actually retain a coiled shape outside of the body. Intrigued, I asked my mom what it was. She didn't know so she asked the server. Then the server told us in Mandarin what they were.

My Mandarin is quite bad so I didn't understand what the server had said and my mom kindly explained in simple Mandarin terms that they were the tube that baby eggs travelled in from the ovaries to the uterus. The English phrase sprang to mind (fallopian tube) and I Googled it to make sure I got it right.

I couldn't keep the manic glee of discovering some new thing that shouldn't-be-food-but-oh-my-god-it-is off of my face and my mom ordered a plate for me. I looked pointedly at our bowls of noodles, and the two large plates of veggies and goose meat.

"We're never going to finish this, nevermind the extra plate," I told her.

She said, "That's okay, we'll just get the rest packed up to go." She grinned, "I want to try the dish too."

I grinned back.

I know it's only February, but hand the woman The Best Mom of the Year Award already (just like every year before, pshaw). I've always wondered where I got my streak of adventurous eating from and now I know.

When the dish arrived, it looked like this:

Yes, it's edible. Fallopian tubes are fucking delicious actually.

So damned pretty and fucking delicious. It was perfectly cooked, not too chewy and not too mushy. The texture is one-of-a-kind, somewhere between pig intestines and jellyfish; soft on the inside and crunchy on the outside. There was an underlying scent of pork, but it was clean and not as heavy as it would be in pig fat or intestines.

Is it nutritional? Maybe, but most likely not since all internal organs are high in cholestrol. In any case, fallopian tubes are now categorized under my list of yummy foods. You should definitely try it.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Spiked Eggnog Green Tea Misto with Espresso

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Yup. It's a long-ass name for this drink:



Spiked Eggnog Green Tea Misto with Espresso



I woke up this morning wanting tea, coffee, and eggnog so I just mixed them all together.

How to make your own Spiked Eggnog Green Tea Misto with Espresso:

1. Brew a small amount of green tea in a microwavable cup.
2. Steam or heat up some eggnog. Add milk to thin out the taste of eggnog to your liking. Be sure to get it foamy if you can and add to tea.
3. Pull a solo or doppio shot of espresso and add into cup.
4. Add a dash (or two or even five of alcohol. I recommend rum or whiskey (see below for picture)
5. Microwave concoction for 15-20 seconds for extra heat.
6. Sprinkle in some other spices as desired (I like cinnamon).
7. Enjoy!



Century Reserve whisky: only the good stuff, baby!

Mine turned out to be a bit too bitter for my liking which isn't surprising since I used Starbucks' Anniversary blend (extra bold) to pull a doppio espresso and quality Japanese tea bags for my green tea. I need to tweak the proportions but damn, it's the perfect drink for the winter season. Makes me feel awake, and relaxed, and happy all at the same time :)

To be honest, this drink is really just another version of a hot toddy at er . . . noon.

Psh, it's never too early to start drinking because it's always 5 o'clock somewhere in the world and that's good enough for me!

Shit Chinese People Eat: Old Cake

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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So I bought a slice of cake from a Chinese bakery, ate half of it, and put the rest in the fridge.

Two weeks later, I spot the cake all the way in the back of my fridge and I thought, "Oh, cake! I'll have that for breakfast." :D :D :D

When I set it down on the table, there was a waterlogged smell emanating from the box. I thought it was because of the fridge but when I opened the lid, the smell got stronger.

I shrugged, "Whatever," and dug in.

Then I promptly spat it back out.

My cake tasted like cheese. The whipped cream and the icing had fucking fermented! I swear the cake looked fine:





But it didn't taste like cake and I was bitterly disappointed. >:(  >:(  >:(

I had potato chips for breakfast that day. I think it was on a Sunday too. Oh God, why? Why you no give me good breakfast?!

Anyway, the moral of the story is: Don't eat two-week-old cake, especially if it was made with fresh cream or else it turns into cheese.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Raw Burgers

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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In continuation of this week's theme of epic fails, I present to you raw burger from the restaurant Spotted Pig in New York City:

 

I ordered my burger to be cooked medium and that patty was so raw that it should still have been walking.

Yes, I suppose a burger isn't really quite as strange and exotic as some of the previous things I've eaten; but add on the fact that it had blue cheese mayo and the ground beef had a mushy texture then it truly is shit. Not to mention that I paid over $20 for the thing.

Fuck!

Shit Chinese People Eat: Cow's Lung

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Where do I begin with cow's lung? I suppose the establishment from where I bought it is as good as any.

I was at the Aberdeen food court in Richmond and I wanted a bowl of noodles in soup with tripe. There was a Vietnamese stall but I didn't feel like Vietnamese food so I went to this place:

I didn't realize until now that the name of the place pretty much gives it away.

Which sold this:

And I got this:

 

At first I thought the miniature boat / floatation device (second from the top) was cow's heart

 

 

And the chunky bit imitating a part of the sea floor (third one from the top) was cow liver.

As it turns out, I was so totally wrong. Both of them are actually different parts of a cow's lung.

 

Like most other animal internal organs, cow's lung tastes like blood. The small boat one had a very strange texture to it. Overcooked, it falls apart in your mouth and not in a good way. The sea floor one had the added bonus of chewy veins; at least, I think they're veins. (Please don't tell me otherwise if they're not.)

 

While forcing myself to eat this so called food, I tasted something sandy. With every other bite, there was an undeniable crunch of sand. It may have been a spice, or a natural byproduct of from the small boat, or it may be because the organs weren't properly cleaned. I don't really know.

 

But what I do know is that I couldn't finish my dish. Even the noodles were inedible due to the sand.

 

Yeah, no. That's not food.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Pig Ear

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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There are some foods that simply do not register on the "weird scale" for me and I have to struggle to remember that not a lot of people would eat what I love to eat. One of those foods is pig ear. Oh em gee, it's only like the best part of the pig!

 

Pig's ear, seaweed, sliced beef. Would have been better with pork intestines at the end,
 but beggars can't be choosers.

Pig ear is made up of skin, some fat, and cartilage. What makes it so awesome is the crunchiness of the cartilage. It can be eaten hot or cold and seasoned any which way. I like it marinated and drizzled with some thick soy sauce and served with chopped green onions on top. It's a very traditional Taiwanese-style dish.

When eating pig ear, please be wary of stray unplucked hairs that usually come in small patches. I suppose eating the hair won't but it will certainly make you lose your appetite. Also, please be careful of elastic bands that look like sliced pig ear but really isn't. That happened to me once at a restaurant.

.

Final note: I love how pig ear is used as dog treats in some countries. (Wikipedia for the win)

Shit Chinese People Eat: Pig's Blood

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Yes, pig's blood is edible and it's not as strange as you might think. A lot of countries have various types of animal blood as part of their diet like black pudding for example. Although these days animal blood as food would be considered "weird" because the standard of living is a lot higher than it was in the past.

Remember, peasants didn't have a lot of money back then and they couldn't afford to buy meat. So the next best thing would have been the internal organs. And blood. Mustn't forget about the blood, and curdled pig's blood looks something like this:

Pig blood tofu = YUMS!

The texture is like tofu but it's a lot easier to cook than tofu because I guess the blood holds everything together a lot better. I don't know, I'm not scientist. However, what I do know is that amazingly enough, it doesn't taste very strongly of blood! Not like chicken brain (oh dear Lord, never again).

When paired with pig intestines then OMG, best combination ever! Add in pig's ear and that threesome will make you have an orgasm in your mouth. Om nom nom, delicious!

A very traditional Taiwanese dish with pig blood tofu and pig intestines.



Shit Chinese People Eat: Pig Intestines

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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The concept is really gross, but it tastes good...when it's cooked right and not, you know, toxic enough to kill you.

Or in other words, make sure you squeeze out all of the pig's shit that's lodged inside and thoroughly clean it before cooking and eating.

Bottom left hand corner: looks like the chef missed a spot.

Pig intestines are just fat, or at least they taste like fat. I'm not entirely sure and the internet doesn't  give me a good answer.

The consistency can be rather chewy if it's not cooked long enough, or if it's cut into thick pieces like the ones shown here.



I actually like it better when it's cut at a wide cross-section angle and each piece is an intact oval. You can see exactly how fatty it is inside the intestine. Of course, this way you also run the risk of food poisoning because it wouldn't be quite as clean.

Oh well, I haven't died yet :)



Shit Chinese People Eat: Jellyfish

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea

are planes, cars, and boats.

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Thankfully, this is one type of food that sounds disgusting but doesn't actually look nor taste disgusting. After the last three rounds of chicken head, brain and eyes (oh dear God, please never again), I am more than ready for some edible food.

Hand-shredded chicken with jellyfish

Jellyfish have no taste to it and most of the time it's seasoned with sesame oil and garnished with wonton noodle flakes, as seen above. The texture of jellyfish is like tripe or a crunchier version of shark fin. Jellyfish has to be thoroughly cleaned before it's edible otherwise its toxins may kill you.

Oh, how lovely.

I'm innocent, I swear.

If you ever manage to get a mound of jellyfish on a plate, then remember to shake it and watch it jiggle like jello. It reminds me of a massive snake orgy where the male snakes try to impregnate a female snake that's in heat. It's a fact, look it up.

Speaking of sexy times, did you know that jellyfish reproduce sexually and asexually? And some of them are hermaphrodites in nature? (Wikipedia, for the win)

Cannonball jellyfish, one of the two edible jellyfish species most commonly found in the southeastern coast of the United States, sexually reproduce by shooting sperm into the partner's mouth. Talk about impregnation by blowjob.

Damn nature, you scary.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Chicken Eyes

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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This is the last "edible" part of a chicken head, and let me tell you that it is not fucking edible. At all. I mean, look at this!

Would you want to eat this shit?

That little tail to the left is the optic nerve. Oh, Jesus Christ on a stick.

That looks like it belongs in my daily dump and even then it would be an anomaly! I peeled away the eyelids (and I ate it because it's skin and it's the only edible part of a chicken eye, really) and came face-to-face with a slime-encrusted eyeball.

Holy fuck. Did you know that the iris is protected by a thin stiff film that breaks when you poke it? Then black liquid oozes out from behind?

I have seen Chinese people (okay just my Dad) pick an entire chicken head clean, leaving nothing but bones and brittle stuff behind.

I don't get it! How the fuck can something like that be edible when it's not!

Fuck this!

Shit Chinese People Eat: Chicken Brain

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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So to continue on from last week's discussion, one edible part of a chicken head is the brain. Here's the back of the head with an incision already made into the skull.

When the head has been cooked for a while, the whole bone structure of the head becomes fairly soft so it's easy to peel away parts of the skull, like so:

Easily confused with a mind-controlling alien blob. Yup.

I managed to extract the brain completely intact with the brain stem:

At a certain angle it could look like a monkey's butt.

But it falls apart when I try to pick it up with chopsticks. Like it just naturally parts into left brain, right brain, and brain stem:

Chicken brain tastes as disgusting as it looks. I was expecting it to taste like oysters because it felt mushy but firm when I took it out.

But it tasted very strongly of blood and had the consistency of soft boogers, like the hard yellow ones that have been stewed in snot so that it ends up kind of squishy.

No amount of sauce, dipping or otherwise, is going to block the metallic and tangy bitter taste when the brain hits the back of the tongue. My brain told me not to swallow it, but I did anyway. Fuck, it was traumatizing and I used to fucking like this stuff?!

Oh, God. Seriously, the things I do for this blog.

Don't eat this unless it's life or death and chicken brain is the only available protein that will keep you alive. In case your friends ever wonder what chicken brian taste like, just tell them this little formula:

Brain = Blood + Boogers

Shit Chinese People Eat: Chicken Head

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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When I say chicken head, it is not in any relation to the derogatory term chicken head (something I've never heard of until I had to write this post and I thought I would share that with you) but chicken head like a-type-of-meat chicken head.

So without further ado, here's the head:

Chicken head in bad lighting

Yeah, it's black and no, I'm not racist. This breed of chicken is called silkie and it comes in black or white. Black silkies are mostly chopped up and boiled in water with Chinese herbs and roots to make a medicinal broth; and when done right both the broth and the chicken taste pretty good.

The head on the other hand . . . sigh. I don't know what to tell you other than the fact that most of it is inedible because it's all skin and bones with very little fat. I ate the combs and the wattle which is just skin but still very eww and you can bet your ass that I smothered that shit in soy sauce and sriracha sauce before I ate it.

Upward shot from the neck. The bad lighting was a good idea in this case.

I have to say, I was a little traumatized after I ate this because it was just so gross. The whole concept of eating a chicken head is fucking disgusting, but according to my mom I used to love it, particularly the skin and the brain (omfg, more on that in next week's edition of Shit Chinese People Eat).

Oh, the things I do for this blog. Fuck.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Shark Fin Soup

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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So you might have heard some noise about shark finning within the last few years. If you haven't, then that's okay too. You're about to become more 'edjumacated.'

"Shark fin soup is a popular soup item of Chinese cuisine usually served at special occasions such as weddings and banquets, or as a luxury item in Chinese culture." (Wikipedia for the win)

In other words, shark fin is a way for the Chinese to show off and compare who has a bigger dick.

Shark fin soup looks something like this:

Shark fin is considered to be a delicacy because it takes a long-ass time to prepare. From what I understand, it could take days to cook a fin. (Read here for instructions)

"The delicacy was coveted by emperors because it was rare, delicious and required elaborate preparation... It symbolizes wealth, power, prestige and honour." Or in other words shark fin is a way for the Chinese to show off and compare who has a bigger dick.

Shark fin itself doesn't taste like anything but the Chinese will smother you like a ship full of tribbles until you believe in its texture. It is also transparent in colour and really hard to see when it's mixed in with a bunch of other crap, but I managed to get a decent picture of one strand of shark fin:

I come shark fin from my dick...if only.

The reason why shark fin is so controversial is because the finning is rather inhumane. Basically the dorsal (top fin), pectoral (side fins) and caudal (tail) fins are cut off while the shark is alive and then the body is chucked back into the ocean because it isn't worth anything. It's like being roofied and then fucked sideways in the ass by a horse. Sounds like something that will happen in The Hangover III but it's ten times worse because you die.

How does one stop the finning? Well, that ties in with the question of why. Because if it doesn't taste like anything, why do people still eat it?

The reason is (for the third fucking time) shark fin is a way for the Chinese to show off and compare who has a bigger dick. The mentality of having more, having bigger and better things than the people around you is so embedded in the mindset and culture of the Chinese people that it's going to take generations to turn this around. Also, with the standard of living in China steadily increasing it means more and more people will have the means to afford the luxury of eating shark fin soup. So yeah, it's going to take a while but that doesn't mean that it can't be done.

My solution to this problem is that somebody needs to invent a real light saber. I mean really make light sabers a reality. Like pronto. It'll be all the rage, and the Chinese will have it, and they'll be able to wave it in each other's faces, and maybe have a light off.

Jedi-style.

What? There's nothing wrong with that! It's a completely different type of dick!

Or set the standard on to something a little less ecologically damaging. I guess there's that too.

And for the ladies, don't feel left out. Substitute designer bag for dick and now you know what I mean. Lord knows, I'm guilty of this.

To end today's rather long post, I'm going to leave you with a deep thought. Who is actually to blame for the deaths of over 25 million sharks every year: the finners or the consumers?

May the force be with you. Live long and prosper.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Beef Junk

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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Another delicious dim sum dish is "beef junk" or beef mix, but I like junk more so we'll just call it beef junk.

Yes, green onions are meant to make this look appetizing

Within beef junk, you get a trio of goodies which are from top to bottom: beef tendon, beef tripe from the cow's second stomach chamber (reticulum or honeycomb), and more beef tripe from the cow's first stomach chamber (rumen or smooth).

I like to otherwise call them tough shit, white shit, and fluffy shit

Beef tripe from the cow's third stomach chamber, called omasum or bible, is more easily found in Vietnamese pho, which we'll get to at another date.

PS Breakfast Sausages — Most commercially produced sausages in the United States contain pork and beef tripe as filler (Wikipedia for the win).

Bet you won't look at another sausage the same way again! =D

Shit Chinese People Eat: Squid Tentacles

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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To the average Asian person, squid tentacles are not very weird at all. But I can understand how one would find a massive orgy of them to be intimidating:

This orgy may be the key to unlocking Squidward's happiness.

It was so delicious! Hot off the teppan and cooked to just done so that it was crunchy and chewy. I was a bit worried about the freshness of the squid because I ate some of it with my fingers and later it smelled like sweaty vagina, but of the sexy variety and not like Fish Sauce. However, my poop came out pleasantly solid the next day, so there's that. It came out in long strips too which was rather reminiscent of squid tentacles:

This could be a chunk of hair from the Queen of Blades.

If you're in Vancouver, then go to the Richmond Night Market and get this from the Chef James stall. You can't miss it, the sign is bright orange and BBQ squid is the only dish they make. It's $6 CDN for an order which is kind of expensive but for Vancouver it's decent.

Shit Chinese People Eat: Baby Octopus

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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My parents, being the adventurous eaters that they are, bought this appetizer dish from Fujiya, a Japanese grocery store:

Chopped ginger and hot peppers make it look so pretty...

If this octopus was a character on South Park, it would be Canadian for sure. A Hannibal Lecter edition because mmm brains! Or a scuttling baby Alien from the back. Beware of its corrosive saliva:

...but that doesn't mean it'll taste good. Fuckers!

This actually was not delicious, at all. I thought it would taste like barbeque but it tasted like pickles instead. Also, it had the same consistency of a baby cuttlefish but mushier, especially at the head.

I'm pretty sure this is what gave me a brief episode of the runs a while back. I don't think they cleaned it very well before they cooked it.

:(

Shit Chinese People Eat: Crab Innards

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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Go to any Chinese seafood restaurant and there's bound to be crab in its set course meals for two people or more. If there isn't, then you need to find another restaurant because that's an epic fail. Crab is cooked in various delicious ways but my favourite is deep fried and smothered with sauce:

Crab is a one-way ticket to gout, cholesterol and a whole host of other problems, but none more so than its innards:

Beware of crab poo. No, really.

For the record, I don't eat the innards; so I don't know what's edible and what's not. But from the little research I did for this post, apparently most (but not all!) of it is edible and it tastes very muddy. Also there's a Japanese dish called kani miso which is intact crab innards cooked directly in the top shell. You can eat it as it is or turn it into a dipping sauce for crab meat.

WARNING: Don't try making kani miso at home! I am not liable for you getting some health problem from eating the wrong thing. In my best Engrish, "You no sue!"

If anybody does know what parts to eat or how to properly prepare and cook it, please post a comment because I would like to try :)

Shit Chinese People Eat: Fish Sauce

The only things we can't eat from the air, land, and sea
are planes, cars, and boats.

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My parents and I went to a Vietnamese restaurant for dinner and this is the one of the combos we ordered:

It was delicious but we couldn't finish it because we ordered other stuff as well, so we brought some leftovers home and they gave us one of these take away sauces:

This is not a urine sample.

Looks like piss, but it's actually fish sauce. Let me tell you that fish sauce at room temperature smells like sweaty, unwashed vagina. It's not the good kind either (like sex), but the bad kind when a girl hasn't showered for three days.

If you're unfortunate enough to get this on your clothes, then you better use strong detergent because that stuff lingers.

Side Note: "Fish sauce is a condiment that is derived from fish that has been allowed to ferment." (Wikipedia)

Oh, dear Lord. Gross! But yummy.